Holding On

Anna Delamerced
Warren Alpert Medical School at Brown University


Gloved hands. I wonder if there are
Wrinkles from decades worth of
Injecting a needle of lidocaine
To ease the patient’s pain from surgery
Invasive, tearing at the fascia 

Blue, gray. Whatever color it is
Masks their grief, the smiles they
Long to show to the fearful.
Large, small. Whatever size it is
Hides blue veins, scars and dry skin. 

We live in times where holding someone’s hand
Could be fatal, deadly. I look back to the times
I was too afraid to reach out and hold someone’s hand
Laying there, supine, right before the push of anesthesia
I could have offered to let them grip my hand as hard as they could
Until slowly the numbing sensation bids them to let go 

Where for a moment we are neither
Patient nor medical student, but two people
In the thick of a storm hanging onto the boat
Gripping the wooden rails, searching for an anchor

The History of Magic Bullets: Magical Thinking in Times of Infectious Diseases

Angie Wan, BA1 and Amy Zhang, BA2

1 Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, Cleveland, OH 44106, USA
2 University of Chicago, Chicago, IL 60637, USA


“It will be wonderful. It will be so beautiful. It will be a gift from heaven, if it works,” said President Trump of hydroxychloroquine, an antimalarial drug that has mixed initial data supporting its usage with COVID-19 [1-2]. Despite the limited evidence, President Trump has heralded hydroxychloroquine as a miracle drug, asking, “What really do we have to lose?”

The siren draw of miracle cures and magic bullets has long been a fixture of medicine and public attention. Never was this more so than in the late-nineteenth and early-twentieth-centuries where advancements in medicine made Thomas Huxley’s vision of a “cunningly-contrived torpedo,” able to hone in on and destroy particular pathogens without harming the human host, seem more within the realm of reality rather than the science fiction of his grandson Aldous Huxley’s works [3].

Among the physician scientists of the time working on such targeted medicines for the treatment of infectious disease was Dr. Paul Ehrlich. Inspired by his research in immunology and the properties of certain dyes that could selectively stain cells, he coined the term, Zauberkugel, or “magic bullet,” and applied it to his new miracle drug, Salvarsan.

Discovered in 1909 by Ehrlich and Sahachiro Hata, Salvarsan, a derivative of arsenic, was the first effective treatment for syphilis, at the time a devastating disease. Left untreated, syphilis can cause significant disfiguration, aortic aneurysms, and perhaps most feared of all, a paralytic dementia. In some estimates, complications of tertiary syphilis accounted for around 10-30% of mental hospital admissions across Europe and the United States at the time [4].

Yet Salvarsan, while being a vast improvement on older mercury treatments, was as historian Allan Brandt put it, “no magic bullet” [5]. Salvarsan had a litany of potential side effects ranging from limb loss to multisystem failure and shock. Some of these side effects were the result of its difficult administration. Chief curator of Case Western Reserve University’s Dittrick Museum of Medical History Dr. Amanda Mahoney notes that in the nineteenth century, intravenous access often required venous cutdown by a surgeon, which carried its own risk of complication including cellulitis, hematoma, phlebitis, venous thrombosis, and venous/nerve/arterial transection. Additionally, even with perfect administration, Salvarsan could only prevent transmission and progression to later stages of syphilis. It was less useful if the patient had already reached the later terminal stages of the disease.

Salvarsan was not the only “magic bullet” discovered by Ehrlich, who also applied the term to two dyes, trypan red and methylene blue, the latter which was identified as a possible treatment for malaria. However, methylene blue was still less effective than the reigning antimalarial of the day, quinine from the bark of cinchona trees, which in turn was supplanted in the mid-twentieth century by the discovery of chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine [6].

Even so, neither chloroquine nor hydroxychloroquine would fit the true definition of a magic bullet or torpedo, as they both came with a bevy of known adverse effects ranging from most commonly, itching, headaches, dizziness and stomach upset, to most seriously, fatal heart failure and irreversible vision damage. Both drugs additionally have narrow therapeutic windows and long half-lives, making careful dosing crucial in avoiding life-threatening side effects [7]. 

Trump was correct when describing hydroxychloroquine as “one of the biggest game changers in the history of medicine," but not for its potential in COVID-19 treatment as the President claims. Rather, chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine were essential to the modern treatment of malaria, preventing Allied troops from being decimated by the tropical disease during WWII, when Axis occupation of the South Pacific led to a shortage of cinchona-derived quinine. Despite the revolutionary nature of chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine, malaria in the United States was not eradicated by a miracle drug, but by public health measures. Established in 1947, the National Malaria Eradication Program’s coordinated federal and state effort to distribute mosquitocides across endemic areas was what finally led to the elimination of malaria in the United States [8].

Of course, when considering infectious disease epidemics, what comes to mind is usually not malaria, but the much more recent HIV/AIDS epidemic. Yet the promise of a single magic bullet did not deliver in that crisis either. Azidothymidine (AZT), the first FDA approved drug for AIDS, was heralded as the light at the end of the tunnel when initial efficacy trials showed promising results. Pressure from activists and growing desperation from the public led to AZT being fast-tracked for approval despite major issues with the efficacy trials [9]. Similar to how Ehrlich promoted Salvarsan as a “magic bullet” and downplayed its myriad side effects, the company responsible for AZT routinely played up studies with positive results and excused those that showed potential negative results [10].

Patients who bought into the myth of AZT as a miracle cure suffered through chronic headaches, nausea, and muscle fatigue, only to face disappointment when later trials showed no significant differences in mortality between the drug and placebo groups after three years [10]. Even Dr. Jerome Horwitz, the scientist who first discovered AZT, acknowledged that the drug only “buys time” for patients [11]. Though it paved the way towards the newer combination therapies that have changed AIDS from a death sentence to a manageable chronic condition, AZT was not the cure people were hoping for in 1987.

Absent a cure, public health efforts have proven to be critical in preventing and limiting HIV outbreaks, even to this day [12]. While national rates of HIV have declined, opposition to such efforts have led to outbreaks, including one in Indiana in 2015. The state’s strict drug policies made needle exchange programs illegal, despite numerous studies indicating needle exchange programs do not increase the incidence of drug use [13]. It took two months of convincing by county, state, and federal officials for the then governor (now current Vice President and head of the US coronavirus task force) Mike Pence to sign an executive order allowing the distribution of clean syringes [14].

Today, as the result of the US sluggish response to the coronavirus pandemic, the Trump administration is facing similar criticisms to those levelled against the Reagan administration during the height of the HIV/AIDS crisis. The public is once more anxious and increasingly desperate for the hope that a cure can bring. Yet as history has shown, this is when responsible messaging is more important than ever.

Similar to Salvarsan and AZT, hydroxychloroquine is being hailed as a miracle cure for COVID-19. The scientific community’s concerns about the validity of Dr. Didier Raoult’s highly controversial study, which boasted a 100% cure rate using hydroxychloroquine, deterred neither Trump’s effusive praise of the drug nor various media outlets’ promotion of the study [15]. On Tucker Carlson Tonight, guest Gregory Rigano, a self-described “Stanford University Medical School advisor” (an affiliation that Stanford has denied), even made the claim that hydroxychloroquine is “the second cure to a virus ever” based on Raoult’s results [16]. Carlson perhaps most aptly tapped into our collective desire for a magic bullet with his reply, “Of course, it's our job to be skeptical of all and any claims. However, I very much want to believe this.”  

Trump’s stance starkly contrasts with director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and member of the US coronavirus taskforce, Dr. Anthony Fauci’s staunch refusal to promote the drug [17]. Notably, Fauci, who helped loosen FDA regulations that prevented many patients from participating in experimental drug trials during the HIV/AIDS epidemic, has been cautious on hydroxychloroquine due to the lack of definitive studies on the drug.

Dr. Monica Green, a noted medical historian, compared Trump’s evaluation of hydroxychloroquine to those of medieval doctors, commenting that “in the eleventh and twelfth century, the main way to validate the utility of a remedy was to say that it came from a very learned authority.” Indeed, this mindset, borne from a time before modern pharmacology or even the scientific method, seems to be pervasive in the administration. Trump’s economic advisor Peter Navarro said on Fox & Friends, “I think history will judge who’s right on [hydroxychloroquine], but I’d bet on President Trump’s intuition.”

President Trump and Peter Navarro may still have a chance of ending up correct. However, the chances are increasingly slim, as on April 24, the FDA issued a warning against widespread use of hydroxychloroquine or chloroquine for COVID-19 due to reports of serious arrhythmias. The FDA’s bulletin states, “Hydroxychloroquine and chloroquine have not been shown to be safe and effective for treating or preventing COVID-19” [18]. 

If it ultimately turns out that hydroxychloroquine is not effective for COVID-19, it will join the ranks of many other drugs that were promoted as miracle cures, but instead left a trail of dashed hopes and unmet expectations. More than a century after Huxley first spoke of a “cunningly-contrived torpedo” and despite decades of scientific progress since, we remain spellbound by “magic bullet” narratives. As we all do our part in maintaining the public’s health through social distancing and rigorous handwashing, we must also remain clear-eyed about the limitations of any drug promoted as a cure at this stage of the pandemic.


ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

We were lucky to also get the insight of medical historians Dr. Aaron Shakow of Harvard, Dr. Monica Green of Arizona State, Dr. Adia Benton of Northwestern, and Dr. Amanda Mahoney and Dr. Erin Lamb of Case Western in the formulation and execution of this piece.


REFERENCE

Quotes from medical historians were through personal correspondence.

  1. Hamblin J. Why Does the President Keep Pushing a Malaria Drug? The Atlantic Magazine 2020.

  2. Magagnoli J, Narendran S, Pereira F, Cummings T, et al. Outcomes of hydroxychloroquine usage in United States veterans hospitalized with Covid-19. Unrefereed preprint. medRxiv 2020.04.16.20065920; doi: https://doi.org/10.1101/2020.04.16.20065920

  3. Huxley T. An Address on the Connection of the Biological Sciences with Medicine. Br Med J 1881;2:273

  4. Heynick F. The original ‘magic bullet’ is 100 years old. Br J Psychiatry. 2009 Nov;195(5):456. doi: 10.1192/bjp.195.5.456.

  5. Brandt A. No Magic Bullet: A Social History of Venereal Disease in the United States Since 1880. Enlarged ed. USA: Oxford University Press, 1987.

  6. Krafts K, Hempelmann E, Skórska-Stania A. From methylene blue to chloroquine: a brief review of the development of an antimalarial therapy. Parasitol Res. 2012 Jul;111(1):1-6. doi: 10.1007/s00436-012-2886-x.

  7. Browning DJ. Pharmacology of Chloroquine and Hydroxychloroquine. In: Hydroxychloroquine and Chloroquine Retinopathy. Springer, New York, NY, 2014.

  8. Elimination of Malaria in the United States (1947-1951). CDC. (Accessed April 15, 2020, at https://www.cdc.gov/malaria/about/history/elimination_us.html.)

  9. Park A. The Story Behind the First AIDS Drug. Time Magazine 2017.

  10. Garfield S. The rise and fall of AZT: It was the drug that had to work. It brought hope to people with HIV and Aids, and millions for the company that developed it. It had to work. There was nothing else. But for many who used AZT - it didn't. The Independent 1993. (Accessed April 15, 2020, at https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/the-rise-and-fall-of-azt-it-was-the-drug-that-had-to-work-it-brought-hope-to-people-with-hiv-and-2320491.html.)

  11. Concorde Trial. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. (Accessed April 15 2020, at https://aidsinfo.nih.gov/news/5/concorde-trial.)

  12. Peters PJ, Pontones P, Hoover KW, et al. HIV Infection Linked to Injection Use of Oxymorphone in Indiana, 2014-2015. N Engl J Med. 2016 Jul 21;375(3):229-39. doi: 10.1056/NEJMoa1515195.

  13. National Research Council (US) and Institute of Medicine (US) Panel on Needle Exchange and Bleach Distribution Programs, Normand J, Vlahov D, et al. The Effects of Needle Exchange Programs. In: Preventing HIV Transmission: The Role of Sterile Needles and Bleach. National Academies Press, Washington, DC,1995.

  14. Twohey M. Mike Pence’s Response to H.I.V. Outbreak: Prayer, Then a Change of Heart. New York Times 2016.

  15. Voss A. Official Statement from International Society of Antimicrobial Chemotherapy (ISAC): Hydroxychloroquine and azithromycin as a treatment of COVID-19: results of an open-label non-randomized clinical trial (Gautret P et al. PMID 32205204). (Accessed April 15 2020, at https://www.isac.world/news-and-publications/official-isac-statement.)

  16. Robins-Early N. The Hucksters Pushing A Coronavirus ‘Cure’ With The Help Of Fox News And Elon Musk. Huffington Post 2020.

  17. Cohen E, Bonifield J, Nigam M. Trump says this drug has 'tremendous promise,' but Fauci's not spending money on it. CNN 2020.

  18. FDA cautions against use of hydroxychloroquine or chloroquine for COVID-19 outside of the hospital setting or a clinical trial due to risk of heart rhythm problems. FDA. (Accessed April 26, 2020, at https://www.fda.gov/drugs/drug-safety-and-availability/fda-cautions-against-use-hydroxychloroquine-or-chloroquine-covid-19-outside-hospital-setting-or.)

Surgery in the Time of COVID-19

Ashiq Pramchand
The University of KwaZulu-Natal - Nelson R. Mandela School of Medicine


ABSTRACT

I was just about to finish my surgical rotation at Grey's Hospital in the peaceful town of Pietermaritzburg, South Africa before COVID-19 brought the world to a standstill. I reflect on how much this new pandemic has changed my life.


Our first clinical rotation in 2020 was surgery, at Grey’s Hospital--the main tertiary hospital in Pietermaritzburg, South Africa and the surrounding areas. Pietermaritzburg is a peaceful and verdant town in the province of KwaZulu Natal, about a one-hour drive away from Durban--my home city. The air is cool and fresh there and the hills seem to roll on forever.

During our seven-week surgical block, we were to rotate through general surgery, ophthalmology, ENT, urology, and orthopedics. But we were only five weeks in when we received news that COVID-19 had reached South Africa. Our university quickly established a war room, where a select group of doctors and scientists could help prepare us for this new public health threat. Many of the scientists worked with CAPRISA, the Centre for Aids Programme of Research in South Africa, which is situated right next to our university. Preparations moved quickly. Grey's Hospital turned part of its maternity ward into an isolation unit for patients who were infected. Hospitals throughout the country converted wards into isolation units. Field hospitals were established in our World Cup stadiums, and mobile testing clinics were deployed to relieve overwhelmed public health facilities. Meanwhile, we were trained in the management of COVID-19 patients within a few days. Many of us left our first COVID-19 training session with a sense of growing anticipation.

However, everyone was still nervous. Our country has an incredibly high burden of HIV and TB patients, and many of our public health hospitals were already reeling under the pressure of high patient caseloads at baseline. I have had the privilege of working in every public hospital in my home city. Many of these facilities lack sufficient personal protective equipment, medical equipment (including ventilators), and beds needed to meet the daily needs of COVID-19 patients.

Within two weeks, the South African government made a historical decision to institute a nationwide lockdown. We were seeing a new chapter in history unfolding before our very eyes. On the fifteenth of March, our university withdrew all the medical students from their clinical rotations. We had so many questions. We did not know if we would finish our year on time. Many students living in rural areas could not access online lectures or submit assignments, owing to a lack of Wi-Fi at home. We were confused and unsettled.  I was at my aunt’s house in Durban when we heard the president’s address. My aunt’s immediate response was to hoard hand sanitizer and stockpile food and water. She was distraught. I tried to calm her down, but I was struggling to suppress my own anxiety as well. 

On the first morning of lockdown, I awoke to the sound of silent streets--a first for Durban. If you listened closely, you could even hear birdsong--a welcome replacement for the usual cacophony of morning traffic.

Eventually, I worked out a daily quarantine routine. I try to wake up at 8:30 am consistently. Most of my time involves reading my medical textbooks, completing my research, playing the piano, exercising, and chatting with my family. There is a beautiful bird, hadeda ibis, which is native to Sub-Saharan Africa and commonly seen around Durban. They have now started nesting along the promenade, where I enjoy my evening jogs. I even started a medical-themed comedy web show, which serves as my platform for educating the general public about COVID-19 and inspiring solidarity during these uncertain times.

Our university created a series of COVID-19-related epidemiology and bioinformatics webinars for medical doctors and scientists, which I enjoy attending and then reformatting to communicate the information to a lay audience. I often use the “Ask a Question” function on Instagram to hear what my friends and family think about these recent drastic changes in the world and our way of life. I receive many questions like, “Is there a cure for coronavirus?” or, “How long will it take to make a vaccine?” I do my best to answer them and allay their fears.

There are, however, many questions, which I cannot answer, like, ”Will the world ever be the same again?” or, “How do I overcome my fear of death by coronavirus?” Inspiring hope in others and fighting fear with education demands an exquisite emotional and psychological balancing act. I feel that it is an operation just as delicate and complex as the performance of surgery. But…I am not a surgeon. I am a fifth-year medical student whose surgical rotation was cut short by COVID-19. I don’t have all the answers and I still have a lot more to learn.

Neuro during COVID-19

Sarah Cheema
TCU and UNTHSC School of Medicine


“Can you hear me?”
A strange new greeting
as my peers gather around
silent, watching.

“Can you see this?”
A tiny arrow lingers
over a minuscule artery.
I try to imagine where that might fit
in my brain.

“Follow my finger.”
I watch her eyes,
thousands of miles away,
hoping to catch any deviation. 

How odd, as I play doctor
learning to heal
that which we cannot
see, hear, or touch.
Or perhaps, it is fitting.

SARS-CoV-2 and the Duck-Billed Platypus

Rogan Magee
Sidney Kimmel Medical College


Last week, my aunt texted me a link to a YouTube video. In it, a citizen journalist compiled footage of several hospitals, emphasizing the lack of queues to their front doors and how empty their waiting rooms appeared to be from outside. The other half of the thirteen-minute montage highlighted contradictory footage from news outlets that instead showed long lines outside those same NYC and California hospitals. One particularly embarrassing segment caught a channel red handed in redubbing footage of an Italian ICU as scenes from the front lines in NYC. With the video came my aunt’s difficult question to field, “How are things at your hospital?”

I haven’t stopped thinking about that conversation since it ended. My aunt isn’t one for sharing opinions – political or otherwise – and much less one for trying to discuss video evidence. In fact, until this month, her time spent on YouTube had been limited to forced viewings of makeup tutorials at the hands of my ten-year-old cousin. She is, however, like the rest of my family, quite good at converting fear and anxiety into analytical investigation, and I could see the hallmarks of that process in full swing in the texts we exchanged.

My fiancée and I represent our extended family’s only personal connections to a hospital, so the question was well intentioned, but I felt poorly positioned to answer. Unfortunately for both my aunt and me, I am a newly minted fourth year medical student. In effect, I am almost as close to insider information on the pandemic as my aunt. All I could share were the number of ICU and non-ICU cases as reported in a schoolwide email the previous Friday. I couldn’t comment on the state of affairs and definitely didn’t want to comment on the validity of the contents of the video. Understandably, my information did little to assuage my aunt’s fear and one of her last comments has stuck with me, “I just don’t know what to believe right now.”

These words played on my own fear as both a medical student and a quarantine participant. Lack of belief in the threat carries with it the potential to undermine the steps we need to take toward neutralization. If we believe in the capacity for ICU beds to run out and for hospitals to become overwhelmed, we stay home and do our best to never see that potential future. But if we underestimate our vulnerability, we instead take one step toward that future. Belief, for better or for worse, is the single most important tool in our fight against COVID-19.

If you are one of thousands of students who studied biology on your way to medical school, you won’t blink at the fact that there lives a semiaquatic mammal in Australia that lays eggs to reproduce. For those not familiar with the duck-billed platypus, that information sounds closer to fiction than fact as it bends rules about how mammals should pass their time. It might be easier instead to believe it as something from Dr. Seuss. Fortunately, there are plenty of videos of the platypus, pictures of it in its habitat, and field reports that teachers draw on to share the news about this one-of-a-kind creature. Moreover, skeptics may have the privilege to visit a platypus in a zoo or to meet someone who has come face-to-face with one and can vouch for its existence.

Because of medical school, I’m primed to interpret the news on SARS-CoV-2 and process the discussion that is dominating the media. I can dip into preprint archives and try to form a rough opinion on potential treatments, what a vaccine timeline might look like, or where we stand with regard to testing capacity. For those like my aunt, who spend less time thinking about medicine and more time on taxes, law, or other fields, the information is less interpretable. And so the latest pronouncements on distancing guidelines or potential treatments are clouded in mystery, and the dissenting opinions seem less like productive forces in the scientific discourse and more like reasons to panic.

The major reason I find myself unable to leave our conversation in last week centers on good luck. When my aunt texted me, no one connected to our extended family had tested positive. She and I together have zero personal connections from whom to understand the experience. And so the threat of the pandemic might feel more abstract to my aunt. I think I can understand how and why she might be less inclined to believe that hospitals might become overrun and more inclined to believe that ED waiting rooms around the country are empty. Without personal evidence to draw on or trusted data to process, the threat appears ambiguous.

My family is tremendously lucky to not yet have joined millions of Americans who have been personally touched by the virus, something that I remain thankful for with each new day. So I will try to honor that luck by doing my best to keep up discussions on the pandemic, sharing my disposition to believe in expert advice, and drawing on my own training to share with those who are more distant from these ideas. As we adapt to online curricula and virtual encounters, I think taking intentional steps toward engaging in open communication with each other, our friends and families, and anyone who has questions on how to proceed is one of the most accessible ways medical students can fight COVID-19 in our new roles at home. Spreading and encouraging belief in expert recommendations -- to stay at home, to trust the process -- will be our most valuable contribution to resolving the pandemic.

Virtual Praise

Zachary Kahlenberg
UTHSCSA Long School of Medicine - San Antonio


Even from within this prism,
All around I see acts of heroism,
My love, I have not felt her touch in days,
Through a glass screen I try to give her praise,
For she is doing what I cannot,
She even does it without a second thought,
With gear that can no longer be bought.

Anticipating Grief: Bracing for Tragedy in a Pandemic

Bria Adimora Godley
University of North Carolina School of Medicine


ABSTRACT

When my father died one year ago, countless friends told me, “I can’t fathom how you’re feeling.” Some resentful part of me replied, “You will.” Now, as COVID-19 ravages the United States, I watch my friends agonize over the risk coronavirus poses to their vulnerable parent

My mother is an infectious disease physician at UNC. She has not had time to mourn a nation in crisis or recognize my father’s memory on the anniversary of his death. To me, our collective dread is all too familiar––it feels like the month between when my father had a heart attack and when he died suddenly. It feels like the hope for a return to normalcy tainted with the threat of imminent danger.

My grief is no longer fresh, but I am close enough to it to understand what others will experience; I am not yet a doctor, but I identify with their sacrifices; and I am not an expert, but I am living with one. In my op-ed, I compare the unrelenting grief of losing a parent to the anticipatory grief of a nation as we brace for a mass tragedy. And I argue that regardless of the apocalyptic tone of the news, it is our responsibility to stay informed because our actions can still save lives.


After the NBA canceled its season but before officials postponed 2020 Olympics, I went into social isolation with an infectious disease physician. My mother specializes in HIV and AIDS, but now her days are consumed by coronavirus. Every morning between 8 and 9 am, I am woken up by the voice of a stranger on a Zoom call announcing how many people in the health care system have tested positive for coronavirus and how many people are currently hospitalized.

Like most Americans, I spent the early days of March engaging in pandemic denial, insistent that the virus would have limited impact on me and my way of life. A bitter part of me resented that the world would grind to a halt over the possibility of deaths from a virus, and yet when my father died one year ago, the world kept turning, unconcerned.

On a March 1, 2019 business trip in California, my previously healthy father woke up in a hotel room alone in the middle of the night with a crushing weight on his chest and had a massive heart attack.

He recovered slowly. He was in the hospital in Los Angeles for ten days before he was cleared to fly home. Though his cardiologist assured us that my father would make a full recovery, he still tired easily. He slept all day. The man who used to hit tennis balls with me for hours could barely tolerate a walk around the grocery store. We all had the uneasy sense that something awful was coming.

The last time my father called me, it was not my father on the other end of the phone, but my mother, telling me to come home right now. My father’s heart had stopped.

It was March 31, 2019. He was 61 years old.

During the first few weeks this spring, as hard as it is to believe now, it seemed as though Americans had avoided the tragedy that had befallen Wuhan and parts of Europe. On March 5, I ran into an infectious disease physician and family friend at a dinner. He told me he had just been on a call with the CDC and WHO about the novel coronavirus.

“What’s the latest?” I asked him, eager for inside information.

“The coronavirus? It’s a pandemic of a lifetime,” he told me distractedly before wandering away. I wish I could say that I took his response seriously then, but of course I did not. I posted the quote to my Instagram story and let the information dissolve after 24 hours.

Amidst the chaos of the COVID pandemic, my mother is energized. She barely has time to read the news. She fields calls from 8am to 10pm. At night I sit on her bed and read Twitter threads with COVID-19 updates to her as she drifts off to sleep. “This is the reason we became infectious disease doctors,” she tells me. “For a moment such as this. The new, the uncharted.” My mother applied into infectious disease in 1983, at the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. For a moment I see COVID-19 from her perspective––not just as a slow-moving disaster, but a reason to fight.

But I came to medical school to become a psychiatrist, and I did not sign up for a war.

UNC School of Medicine has suspended rotations until further notice. Newly idle medical students scramble to donate blood and form assembly lines to manufacture our own Personal Protective Equipment (PPE). Fourth year medical students have the opportunity to volunteer in the hospital. I have not stepped foot in the Emergency Department. I know young people can get sick. I have heard the reports of patients as young as thirty on ventilators. I do not want to die.

But there is nowhere I can go to insulate myself from the horrors of our new reality. A friend in New York City tells me she now hears ambulances racing past her window constantly. A friend volunteering in the ED texts me that she just witnessed a patient coughing up blood, waving a bloody rag at her like a distress signal. The internet floods with images of doctors and nurses wearing garbage bags and patient gowns as makeshift PPE.

Virtual meetings intended for updates on PPE assembly devolve into existential questions: What are we going to do? What’s going to happen to our families, our careers? What’s going to happen to us? 

For questions on the future, I look to the reporting on the coronavirus outbreak in Italy and Iran. Bodies lined up in hospital hallways, mass graves. I remind my friends that Americans are no exception. And like Italy, we do not have enough masks, ventilators, or doctors.

At dinner one night, I sit at the kitchen table eating leftovers, listening in on my mother’s call with a colleague at Emory. “I have been using the same N95 mask for a week now,” he tells her. I look up so I can catch the expression that accompanies my mother’s silence. For the first time, she looks scared.

When the phone call ends, she says, “That really hurt hearing him say that. It really hurt.”

My med school friends have asked how it is possible that I have maintained relative calm, especially given that I cannot step out of my bedroom without overhearing a coronavirus update. I’ve been grieving for one year now. What they feel, and what has gripped many people across the nation, is anticipatory grief. [1] I know because I felt that same feeling all of last March, when my father would say offhandedly that he had to wear a heart monitor, because his Apple Watch had picked up a “funny rhythm.”

There is always a chance that the United States emerges from this crisis with minimal casualties, but I have seen no evidence to suggest that. Anxiety stems from the ambiguity of not knowing the future. This situation is no longer ambiguous, and I am not anxious anymore––I am angry. I am angry that the failures of our federal government will take people’s loved ones prematurely. I am furious that people will be forced to go through what I went through––what I am still going through––because the leaders elected to protect us in times of crisis do not possess the empathy, courage, or political will to take this threat seriously.       

The amount of confusion and misinformation circulating about coronavirus surprises me. Even among friends in the School of Medicine and the School of Public Health, there is an atmosphere of uncertainty; students complain about the disjointed nature of coronavirus news and of the effort required to synthesize the chaos. Our inboxes are inundated with emails from restaurants and stores that we have not visited since college, assuring us that they are “monitoring the situation closely,” even if we are not. 

Some of my friends avoid the news, citing mental health concerns. I understand this decision, but I cannot support it; I believe we have a responsibility to ourselves and to each other to stay informed, not just as a symbolic exercise of civic duty, but because our actions can still save lives. 

During a rare quiet moment, I check in with my mother to see how she is coping with the pandemic response layered on top of the impending anniversary of my father’s death. “This is such a new disruption that it has forced me to jerk my brain out of old pathways,” she says. “Instead of going through the same self-pitying ‘Oh here I am, it’s Saturday, and I’m alone––‘” she pauses. “I don’t think it’s necessarily as bad for me as it is for some people. It’s strange. It’s not good. But it is different.”

My father was a doctor too. If he were still alive today, I would be paralyzed by the fear of what this virus would do to him and his patches of damaged heart muscle. One of the last times I saw him, he told me, “Goodbye sweetie. I will try to keep getting better, even though you’re not here.” In the weeks and months ahead, more people will lose their fathers and mentors and best friends, but we still have time to save many. We can enact more aggressive quarantine measures, and we can direct factories to produce more masks and ventilators. America is no exception, but we do not have to be a cautionary tale.

 

Bria Adimora Godley is a fourth-year medical student at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine. She can be reached via email at bria_godley@med.unc.edu.


REFERENCES

  1.  Berinato, S., That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief, 2020.

Anticipating

Palak Patel
Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine


Watching
Pushes the dial of my clock
Yet pulls me in
With a shut door behind me

Waiting
For a signal of freedom
An alert of good news
To notify me of the end

Listening
To the waxing and waning
Of sirens headed to where
I used to walk to school

Thinking
It may be another month
Months
Of this solitude

Questioning
If my distance from others
Could even compare to
A patient’s from their family

Feeling
Guilt from my lack of action
Reminding my mind
Staying home is helping

Observing
The panic that easily ensues
And yet most of their panic
Is rightfully earned

Knowing
The glory for healthcare is broad
And consideration is needed
For the exposed custodians too

Anticipating
Until next time when it’ll be me
On the frontlines
Fighting

April

Monique Sager
Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania


In the first two weeks of quarantine, I scrubbed everything. I became paralyzed with fear when another person walked by me on the street, and I washed my hands until they were raw, wondering if soap did anything to kill the virus. I Lysol-ed the mail. I Lysol-ed my shoes, I wanted to Lysol my hands, but I knew I shouldn’t. I went for a walk along the river and was so terrified by the hundreds of people running by me that I vowed never to do it again.

As the days went by, I have stopped leaving the house, for anything. My boyfriend and I now wait until we are down to our last can of tuna and bag of lettuce and then, together, holding hands, we go to the grocery store, exiting the house as if we are entering a warzone.

As my time in the hospital grows further and further away, I’ve been able to push back some of the immediate fear I felt back in February, the terrified look on my residents’ faces as we all sat in a work room together, coughing and coughing and coughing, with no windows to open or masks to wear. We make our small apartment our whole world, moving our laptops from the kitchen to the bedroom and back again, trying to make it feel bigger than it is. I feel safe inside, shielded from the chaos I had seen in the hospital.

Eventually, I stopped Lysol-ing my mail, my shoes, my keys. If I get this virus from my Amazon package, I’ve found myself thinking, so be it.

My boyfriend and I have waited to get sick, counting the days that go by without the telltale signs. We are suspicious of every cough and sneeze. Any runny nose could be the inevitable, about to hit. But it hasn’t hit, and over a month later, we are both still here, sitting at the kitchen table attending to our respective business.

We are healthy. We are terrified. We are complacent, guiltily enjoying the time off from clinic and from work, the ability to be together. We keep the TV on silent all the time, to anchor us to the world outside. Each morning, we watch the news, check the stock market, watch whatever savings we had grow smaller and smaller. We make each other coffee, fall asleep to the TV, and wake to do it all again.

I’m supposed to be a medical student, but I don’t feel like it. I feel like a shell of myself, devoid of purpose, wandering around my apartment and watching the world grown silent out of my window. The hours pass by, blending into each other, the TV plays on in the background, and I forget what day it is. I am supposed to be studying now, taking shelf exams now, but I forget why that used to feel so important.  My Lysol bottle sits unused on my counter, and I wonder why I needed it so much.

I only exist in this endless cycle. Watch the news, drink my coffee, run out of food, creep from the house, repeat. I watch the cherry blossoms bloom outside my window and realize it is spring. April slides by me, quietly warming air which I will not feel on my skin.

Frustrations and Hope

Anonymous


It is 5:37am. I see open roads ahead. No other cars in sight to break the beam of light streaming out from in front of me. I arrive at the hospital and park right in front. I am here for my volunteer shift where I am taking the temperatures of everyone entering the hospital. As a first-year medical student, I had a sense of guilt staying home while others in the field are risking their lives.

Everyone has a mask on, it’s mandated in New York now, but that doesn’t stop me from being able to see the frustration and fear in their eyes. It’s astonishing how much a third of someone’s face can tell you. Their emotions slide into my recognition like water on glass. I know how they are feeling, because it’s the same subtleties I see in my mom’s eyes when she finds out she is going to have to work with COVID-19 patients from now on. The same I see in my friends who have been laid off, only just having started their careers; the ones who have lost loved ones to the virus and have to watch the death toll climb every day.

As a first-year medical student, I feel powerless in this fight. It is frustrating to watch this unfold before my very eyes and do just that, watch. I have struggled hearing from other students that the state of our healthcare system today, and the cracks that have been exposed during this pandemic, has made them question their careers in medicine and what they have worked so hard to achieve. Personally, I see a system that needs help, and I will do all that I can to ensure that if or when the next crisis comes, I am not just watching, I am doing.

Shelter in Place

Wesley Chou

I hit the ground running, I tear down the street,
Needing to leave my musty room and its
Stale air. The rain is lifting and my shoes
Spray grey water up from the asphalt.

I run to the creek, its gentle trickle now
Turgid and engorging its former banks,
Consigned to a dull, endless roar. Even now,
The specter of people gasping
For breath remains, lungs
Bogged down by scum and pus.

I feel something well up in my chest,
Spider outwards, fury tearing
Through detached surveys of
Our foe’s armaments and its sketches of death
To which I have devoted myself
With growing obsession and unease. 

I want to scream into the void of the insolent grey skies,
I demand lightning to rip apart
The very ground on which I stand, to grant this
Rage the canvas it so deserves
Before I callously rend it to shreds.

Damned be this foe that has laid us low,
Condemned many to die alone, and
Starved us from a friend’s touch.

I slow to a halt in the overgrown fields of a golf course,
Breath shuddering and supported on legs of cloth.
I take in the sights around me:
Countless mallards glide in a flooded depression.
A herd of deer gaze serenely at their new guest before
Nipping at the matted grass.

I watch their delicate gait as they meander to some trees,
How they perch on hind legs to reach the branches.
I watch for some time, before
I turn around and run upstream.

Wesley Chou
Harvard Medical School

One Pancake at a Time: A Medical Student Perspective on Preparing for COVID-19 in Alabama

Grace Kennedy
University of Alabama Birmingham School of Medicine


No one really knows what medical school will be like until they get started, and it’s an experience that you can’t really understand until you are in it. It’s completely overwhelming and being fully prepared feels absolutely impossible. The analogy used during our orientation, “Med school is like eating ten pancakes a day,” goes like this. Every day you get ten pancakes, and you just have to do what you must to eat your ten pancakes every day. Every. Day. It may feel fun, new, and delicious at first, but as each day comes bringing another towering ten pancakes with it, you start to realize what a formidable task it truly is. And just as I was starting to get the hang of it--figuring out exactly which pancakes in medical school I liked and which pancakes I might want to settle on for my career--a viral pandemic comes along and adds so many pancakes I can no longer see my way forward.

Just months prior when I first heard about COVID-19, I knew my parents would be calling soon to get my hot take. I immediately went to look through one of the more popular video study guides we all use, Sketchy Micro. It features some light comedy with mnemonics to help us nail the infectious disease basics for our national board exams, and it has become a true staple in my studying. Today, however, like almost all of our current resources, the Sketchy Micro video for coronavirus is in need of a drastic update in the face a new pandemic and an unprecedented global health crisis.  

Sure enough, I got a call from my father shortly after the news of the virus started to break. Like the doomsday preparer he was always meant to be, he had already started slowly amassing a pantry full of essentials: dog food for our sweet pups, rice, dried beans, chocolate, and so. much. soda. By mid-February, he had a bonafide stockpile. My mother, on the other hand, had found her own coping mechanisms by making plans to attend the major basketball tournaments (until they were canceled of course) and poking fun at my father’s panicked prioritization of peanut M&Ms over necessities like water and toiletries. 

I feel frozen in time. Watching and waiting for the response from my family, my government, Twitter, and my medical school to make some sort of sense. I feel totally unable to prepare in any reasonable way. I’m simultaneously telling my father to relax and my mother to try to take things more seriously, and all the while I’m just sitting at home refreshing my Twitter feed and eating peanut M&Ms. I’m overwhelmed by what this might mean for my graduation timeline, my medical training, and my health. I’m scared, really scared, of being exposed and passing it on to my family. My father has his reasons for reacting in an over-the-top manner. With his history of congestive heart failure, he most certainly falls somewhere in the moderate-to-high risk category. I know I’m not alone in these fears, but I’ve also made a commitment to medicine. If not us, who will take care of our community members and our families in times like these?

I was on my family medicine rotation working in rural Alabama before I got pulled from my clerkships. The doctor I was paired with sees many patients who have no other options for primary care for miles.  He catches up on their family news while getting a good physical exam and making sure they are up to date on their screening. The folks in this clinic had not seen anything like this, and everyone was very unsettled. Even in the early days, gloves, masks and testing were hard to come by, and with the flu season still going strong these items were desperately needed. I watched as this small clinic did everything they could to stay updated and enforce thoughtful protocols that would ultimately save lives. I’m proud to have been part of that team, and I’ll not forget my brief time spent with them on the frontlines in rural Alabama.

We’re living in the world of Twitter updates--constantly bombarded with new information in 20 second intervals while trying to understand what’s real and what it all means for ourselves. My medical school sends out emails with bombshell COVID-19 changes to plans and protocols with no warning, and I find myself refreshing my account incessantly for more updates. We are all finding new information from bizarre and sometimes unreliable sources – Twitter, Reddit, and anecdotally from fellow students. We obviously don’t know what’s to come. I keep expecting someone to be able to tell me, but of course, no one can. Medical school was never something I could have fully understood before starting, and this pandemic is no different. We just have to remember why we came here and take it one pancake at a time.

When it's all over

Anonymous

When it’s all over
We will all know someone
or sometwo
or too many

I can’t say things were innocent before
That the world was a simpler place
It wasn’t.

If anything,
It is now that things are simple:
Everything unrelated is extraneous
The world on Pause
Our realities merged


And when it’s all over
It won’t really be over

It will be a scar
Somehow devoid of sensation
Yet calling to memory the excruciating pain
The waiting to hear that he has developed a cough
Or she has a fever to 103
Sirens through empty streets,
the endlessness of it all

Finding Gratitude During the COVID-19 Crisis

Joseph Kaizer, DMA
Wake Forest School of Medicine


I am a classical cellist and a 42-year-old medical student living during the COVID-19 crisis. 

Recently, our medical school class received notice that our fourth-year rotations were suspended indefinitely, including board exams and other requirements needed to graduate. "#StayAtHome" and "#FlattenTheCurve" are the slogans buzzing around social media. We are in the midst of a pandemic. My inbox gets flooded with daily updates from the hospital and school. Scores of emails arrive from administrators. Every day the rules change, and some of those changes are vague or even contradictory. We never know what to expect and the uncertainty is unsettling. Amid self-isolation and silence, the sound of chaos is alive and well—it's a symphony of alerts from social media, the news, and other notifications on my phone that I can't seem to escape from. A news pop-up appears on my phone screen hourly— "Ugh, how many are infected this time?" I think to myself. Life is uncertain; many feel helpless, and the anxiety and fear that follow are palpable. Another crisis places my life on hold.

March 20, 2016, 6 AM Pacific Standard Time. I received a phone call from the Dean of Admissions congratulating me on my acceptance to medical school. I was 38 years old. Gentle blue and silver tones of dawn reflected on my face as my eyes began to well up. I clutched my phone tightly against my chest in a daze of shock. I could not believe it. It was a monumental day, not only for myself but for my family who had been so supportive of my dreams of becoming a different type of doctor – a medical doctor. 

Five years prior to my acceptance, my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease while I was completing my doctoral studies in music at Indiana University. Her diagnosis shook our whole family. "How will this end?" my mother would often ask my father. My father, a naturally optimistic, jovial and buoyant man even during the worst of times, found himself at a loss for words. We all were. 

My mom faced overwhelming anxiety and depression after learning of her diagnosis. But as a family of musicians with little knowledge of healthcare, we found ourselves faced with the challenges of finding affordable and adequate mental health care for my mom while her disease progressed. We eventually did establish care with a dedicated psychiatrist, and with his support, we were able to manage her mental health needs as she navigated through the stress, angst, and worries about her diagnosis. The role of my mother's psychiatrist in our life played a pivotal role in my decision to leave my career as a professional cellist and pursue a life in behavioral health. I felt called to serve the behavioral health needs of patients and their families, in the same way, my mother's psychiatrist provided such care for ours.

As if the transition to a new chapter in medicine was not met with enough challenges, the evening before I started my first day of medical school, my mother (for the first time in my 38 years of life) had forgotten who I was. It is difficult to express the grief one feels the first time a loved one forgets your existence. "Hello, who is this...Joe who...?" she said on the phone. I played along as if nothing were wrong, but at that moment, I felt as if my world had collapsed. I felt that a part of my identity had been robbed by this disease, and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't sleep very much that night, and the next day I woke up to go to my very first course in medical school—Human Anatomy.

Anatomy is a rite of passage for medical school students as they are given the task of learning the intricacies and nuances of the human body by doing full dissections, studying every vessel, muscle and nerve in great detail. My previous knowledge of anatomy was limited to my experience on the cello—the anatomy of the bow arm as it executes smooth string crossings with the wrist, and the fingers of the left hand as it glides effortlessly along the fingerboard. The more comprehensive study of anatomy was as fascinating as it was overwhelming. Though my studies were challenging and rigorous, I found that in many ways the time focused on my studies served as a distraction—an escape from the indolent and agonizing disease that brought so much uncertainty and chaos to our family. 

Towards the end of my second year, my family decided it would be necessary to admit my mother to hospice. Her disease was complicated by multiple falls, strokes, numerous episodes of psychosis, and finally, pneumonia. It was a losing battle, and we knew it was the right time to begin focusing on comfort care. I decided to put my medical education on hold to be with my family during the last months of my mother's life. I remember the day I signed my personal leave of absence form. My dream of becoming a medical doctor was placed on hold, but I knew that despite these hardships, my experience of family crisis would someday allow me to practice medicine with heightened empathy and compassion for my patients. 

I was grateful for the overwhelming generosity of family, friends, and members of our community during our time of crisis following my mother's passing. The silence left by the void of my mother’s passing, allowed me to reach new depths of understanding about the fragility of life and the importance of practicing gratefulness in every moment. The practice of gratitude will never wash away the difficult memories of my mom's suffering through the fading of her memories, nor will it fill the void that will always exist without her presence in our family. But this experience has taught me something that I believe I would have never gained without her loss--how to live purposefully in every moment, to cherish every relationship with others, and to respond in times of crisis with grace, gratitude, and generosity. 

It has now been a little over a year since my mother's passing, and I have completed my clinical rotations. I wait for the final year of medical school, but I again find my journey at a standstill--this time ushered in by the Coronavirus outbreak. Streets are now empty, community parks that were once full are now barren. Traffic lights sway back and forth above empty streets without any cars to direct. 

I have been here before. It is the silence amid crisis. It's not my first and will not be my last. For those who are not fighting on the frontlines of COVID-19, it is a time of solitude. But just as I did during my first crisis, I have found that these times also hold moments of hope. Neighbors reach out to others offering food and supplies to those who have none, and supermarkets create special hours for those most vulnerable. There is increased time for self-reflection, family, and extended and meaningful conversations with loved ones. It is a feeling similar to that which followed my mother's passing. Our family grew closer, cherished each moment together, and we found ourselves returning to a less distracted and fragmented existence. 

Whether it is helping a loved one face the unknown future of a terminal illness or a pandemic virus, crisis may affect us all. As we venture into the uncharted waters of COVID-19, we should share some very important things: we must find gratitude in the seemingly ordinary objects and acts of kindness that we so often overlook in our daily lives. Crisis, from the Greek word, "krisis," which forms from the verb krienen, literally means to "to separate." While most of us are physically separated from our friends and family through social distancing, we can help overcome this crisis with unity and support for each other. There is absolutely no room in our world for fear, hate, or racism, but there is more than enough room for kindness, love, and generosity. As Etty Hellesum once said, "As life becomes harder and more threatening, it also becomes richer, because the fewer expectations we have, the more the good things of life become unexpected gifts that we accept with gratitude." It is difficult being a fourth-year medical student during this time. In many ways I feel helpless, as I am not board-certified to serve on the frontline of this battle that I so wish to confront with my community. However, I can do my part by sharing my personal stories of crisis, showing generosity to those most vulnerable, and staying united with others in both heart and mind.